Haven’t posted in a few days. The sleep thing really threw me off. I’ve been battling trying to function at work while not sleeping, which has been tough. When I started this taper, I decided that I wanted to try and get off of Trazadone as well, because I wanted to learn how to sleep without the aid of medication. And honestly, if I was in the position to take a few more weeks off of work, I could probably do that. But last night, after not sleeping much for 2 days, I decided to go back on the Trazadone. Withdrawal is a bitch, and insomnia enhances that terrible feeling.
So I took trazadone last night and today I’m feeling so much better. I never went back up on Suboxone. Yesterday, feeling so tired and sleep deprived, was the first day that I thought about going back up on my dose of Suboxone. But if I did that, I would be prolonging all of the bad things I’ve been going through. So I stayed strong, chilled on the sofa and watched movies all day (btw, if you haven’t seen the movie Parasite yet, watch it. You won’t be disappointed).
I’m supposed to go down to 1mg the day after tomorrow. I’ve been mostly sticking to my meal plan. Eating lots of good foods. Fruits and vegetables, lean protein, healthy whole grains.
I know I should stay away from caffeine. And when I come off completely there will probably be a time when I need to quit caffeine. But for now, I’ve still been drinking coffee and the occasional energy drink in the early AM. Nothing after 3pm, just so I can get to sleep by 10 or 11.
I know I don’t get a trophy for suffering, and pushing a fast taper could be viewed by some as unnecessary suffering. But pain is progress here. All of this suffering isn’t just suffering for the sake of suffering. It’s leading somewhere. And the faster I get through it, the faster I get to be on the other side. I know that’s probably weeks or months away. But it’s a light at the end of the tunnel that gets a little bit bigger every day. Some days, I feel horrible. Everything seems to be falling apart (aside from the Suboxone taper, my car and my wife’s car broke down in the last couple week. A doctor found stones in my pelvis. And I’ve had an inexplicable intense pain in my left arm that we’re trying to figure out. When it rains it pours). But other days, I feel good all day, without the help of Suboxone. I just feel normal. And happy. And I talk and laugh and smile and feel energetic. On my own. And those times, however few or far between, are what keep my strength up. Because someday soon, I’ll feel that way most of the time, without needing Suboxone. Not all the time. No one feels good all the time, especially as I’m pushing my mid thirties. Aches and pains are a thing. And, for me, it’s important not to confuse those things with withdrawal.
I’ll never put myself at risk. If the withdrawal becomes too much or too intense, I will slow the taper down. But for now, I’m holding down the fort and keeping my resolve.
More tomorrow.
<3 - B