I haven’t posted for a couple of days. On top of my Suboxone withdrawal, I got a cold. Which definitely didn’t feel good. Yesterday, I tried to stop taking Suboxone completely and finish the 55-day taper in 27 days. My thought process was ‘Hey, you’re sick and you’re already going to feel like shit. So why not just finish taking it and get it all over with?’. I made it until 11am and realized that the withdrawal was going to be too intense, so I took my scheduled taper dose of 1mg. I have a plan in place. I’ve already broken up all of my Suboxone strips weeks ahead of time and wrapped them in individualized wax papers so my dose is ready every morning. With all of this work and planning laid out, I’m now asking myself why I am always tempted to rush ahead and finish this thing more quickly than I had planned? Patience is not and has never been my strong suit.
When I moved to Iowa, one of the things about this place that bothered me most, and still bothers me to this day, is how people drive. I spent most of my driving years in Memphis, TN. A city where people drive like they’re drunk and high (which, to be fair, a lot of them probably are). The accident rate there is through the roof and people are always driving super fast and recklessly.
But in Iowa, the thing that has always bothered me about peoples driving is how bloody slow everyone goes. “Why is everybody taking their damn time to get where their going?!”, I would scream to myself like a crazy person on my daily commute. By the way, I’m never late getting to where I’m going. I’m always 15-30 minutes early to work, doctors appointments, or any other destination that I’m headed to. And it took me a while to ask myself one really important question. And this question applies to everyone, not just addicts. This question is the one that will bring everything into perspective in times of crisis. The questions is this:
What if the problem is with me and not with everyone else?
Why is everyone taking their bloody time? Maybe instead, I should be asking myself ‘Why am I always in such a bloody hurry?’. It’s not because I’m late. I’m rarely late. It’s not because I have important things to do where I’m going. I work at a call center, I should NOT be in such a hurry to arrive 30 minutes early. So why, then, am I always rushing to get where I’m going?
Wether I’m driving from point A to point B. Or I’m running out to Target to purchase something that I could’ve paid way less money for on Amazon, but I didn’t want to wait 2 extra days. Or I’m getting off of Suboxone and just want to be done with it. The list goes on and on. And the answer is that I just don’t like waiting for things. I am compulsively impatient by nature.
So what’s the answer? How do I remedy this affliction of compulsive impatience? There is a definitive common thread between all these hurried tendencies. The need to always have everything right now. And there is also a solution. It’s not an easy one to work out, but it’s the only healthy way that I have learned to stop this feeling in its tracks. Meditation.
Meditation is such a pivotal tool for recovery. It teaches me to stop and enjoy the journey. This is my life. When it’s over, it’s over. I’ll undoubtedly look back and have some regrets. And one of those will be that I didn’t enjoy the beauty of this planet and it’s amazing inhabitants. The slow car rides. The feelings, good or bad. The lessons that life hands me during troubled times. Meditation allows me to sit in complete silence for a period of time. To acknowledge my thoughts, appreciate them, and let them pass. All while doing absolutely nothing. Not making calls and pacing around. Not writing. Not watching TV. Not worrying about money or trying to be productive. Just sitting and breathing.
This revelation comes as a result of me trying to rush through my Suboxone taper. It took me almost 8 years to get to the point where it was my choice to get off of Suboxone. Not because a doctor is forcing me off of it. Not because I can’t afford the medication (I have a months supply of it in my medicine cabinet). But because I made a decision and finally stuck with it. I’m finally ready and this is a transition that I’ve worked and waited for for years. But it cannot and will not happen overnight.
I have a plan, and I’m sticking to it. It’s laid out on paper. Rushing things could lead to me breaking my plan and ruining the last 28 days of work that I’ve put in. And for what? There’s no reason to rush things. I’m not running out of medication. No one is rushing me off of it. So if taking the full 55 days is what I need to be free from this burden, then that is what needs to happen. Trying to rush things will only hurt my situation.
For today, I will stop and appreciate my surroundings. I will enjoy the sensory experience of my life. I will stay on the meticulous plan that I laid out 28 days ago. And I will succeed because of the revelations I am having during this process. These revelations will cross over into everyday life once I’m off the medication.
As always, if you’re reading this and you’re struggling with anything, drop me a line. You’re strong enough to do anything that that you want to do. All it takes it a choice and a commitment.
More tomorrow.
<3 - B